Movie Review – Immortals
IMMORTALS bills itself as a cross between CLASH OF THE TITANS and 300, and if that’s not enough to get you excited, you obviously don’t have a thing for sword and sorcery epics or muscled guys in short skirts. Unfortunately, the movie comes off as a pale imitator of both, and it’s CLASH OF THE TITANS feel is the dreadful remake, not the original classic.
Our story deals with young Theseus, a mortal man chosen by Zeus to lead the fight against King Hyperion (a magnificent performance by Mickey Rourke). Hyperion is moving across Greece to obtain a weapon that can destroy humanity by unleashing the Titans, the Epirus Bow.
Okay, good set up, BUT this is where the writer needs to step in and give some stage directions, right? Oh, you’re not going to do that? You’re just going to make some pretty, flashy movie and not worry about plot? Oh. Okay, I won’t talk about the fact that Zeus forbids the gods from interfearing UNLESS the Titans are in fact, released (at which point it would be too late to step in) yet manages to influence Theseus in his human guise of John Hurt. Nor will I talk about the virgin oracle who can foresee the future because of her purity, saves Theseus with a prophesy, then is promptly deflowered by our hero, rendering her a suddenly worthless character. Nor will I bring up the “surprise” of Hyperion’s barbarism, which was telegraphed the first time we see a certain statue. Nor will I discuss the complete lack of Greek drama and history this thing is supposed to be steeped in (on that front, even the remake of CLASH OF THE TITANS got something kinda right.) Nor will I discuss Hyperion’s supposed rampage across Greece, which did NOT have the same epic feel of 300 or TROY. Not enough of them either. This isn’t the hordes of Orks coming for the white city in RETURN OF THE KING, nor is it the massive Persian army from 300. His army doesn’t really do much of anything, just shows up. Boom. There they are. Nor will I discuss the mighty Epirus Bow, which kills four guys, is lost by the hero after having it all of five minutes, taken by Hyperion, used to blow a hole in a wall and free the titans, THEN NOT USED AGAIN. Seriously? THIS is the super weapon everyone was worried about? Bah.
I will talk about the pretty flashy movie with no plot, except that it’s really not even all that pretty. The very graphic approach to 300, with it’s saturated colors and brown/gold/earth tones just look bland and washed out here, kinda like that odd SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW look where everything was the same color. The fight sequences featured so prominently in the trailers are very flashy and cool, but there’s not nearly enough of them to justify the movie being called IMMORTALS, especially since the plan old mortals do most of the fighting. And I will mention the costume department, normally spot on in films like this. You guys made Hyperion a helmet that was (I’m sure) supposed to look frightening and awe-inspiring. Instead (as a friend of mine pointed out) he looks like the Killer Rabbit from MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL has latched onto him and is eating his head. Hard to take a man seriously with that image.
All in all, this isn’t a bad movie. It’s a decent enough action flick. I just wish we could get a really kick-ass Greek Gods movie. So far, I keep waiting. One additional note, I saw this one in plain old 2D, and while some of the fight scenes (especially toward the end) were very cool, I didn’t see anything that would have made an awe-inspringing transition to 3D. Save your money.
IMMORTALS – C+