I’m a little late on this one, as I didn’t watch it till it came out on BluRay.  Having said that, there may be some spoilery info here for the random few of you who haven’t seen it yet…

I like Michael Bay.  I really do.  I think he’s an immensely talented director who doesn’t deserve the tons of crap heaped upon him most of the time.  Let’s face it, if you want to film something explode–have it rise into the air and begin rotating on fire, in slow motion–then he’s the guy you call.  Period.  I’ve never been a huge Transformers fan though, (the show was to be avoided by me and my brother growing up in favor of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and G.I. Joe.  And don’t you DARE cross-pollinate my G.I. Joe with these giant robots.)  But the first film was an enjoyable fun romp.  The second one was an unmitigated disaster.  Anytime something was fighting or blowing up it was cool, but everything else just kinda sucked.

I’m sad to say the trend continues in the third installment.  It opens promisingly enough, with the exciting tidbit that much of history is in fact, a coverup for something else.  The Apollo landing on the moon was actually a secret mission to explore a crashed Transformer ship.  The Chernobyl explosion was actually a failed Russian experiment on a Transformer power source.  Okay, cool.  I like it when history is twisted to meet the needs of my Sci-Fi.  We meet Sentinel Prime, a brilliant scientist and leader of the Autobots in days long gone.  And of course, there’s LOTS of things exploding and rising into the air on fire in slow motion.  One of my favorite sequences involves special ops guys “squirrel flying” their way through the buildings of downtown Chicago)

But as with REVENGE OF THE FALLEN, anytime something isn’t exploding the film just drags.  We spend WAY too much time with Sam Witwicky (Shia Lebeouf becoming more whiny with each installment.  I like him as an actor, but think maybe he needs to pursue some different projects that actually require some acting.  Maybe re-invent himself like DeCaprio) and his EMPLOYMENT PROBLEMS?  Really?  We’re gonna focus on his attempts to get a JOB in a movie with GIANT ROBOTS?  Jon Turturro, star of a number of brilliant Cohen Brothers films like THE BIG LEBOWSKI (and one of my personal favorites, BRAIN DONERS) is back as a former special agent turned author, and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley made a fine replacement for Megan Fox, (and there’s Michael Bay’s Victoria’s Secret commercials coming into play).  She’s hot, and a better actress to boot, but really?  We’re gonna focus on Sam’s romantic issues in a movie with GIANT ROBOTS?  Other casting surprises include Firefly’s Alan Tudyk as a German… hitman?, John Malkovich, and Leonard Nimoy, but did we mention this movie has GIANT ROBOTS?!?

Okay, so the robots have problems too.  Optimus Prime is hands down, the baddest guy on the block.  The fact that they got Peter Cullen back to voice him front he cartoon speaks to his longevity.  But every movie they seem to remove Optimus from the proceedings for half an hour or more.  They give him the coolest toys, then take them away nearly as soon as they’ve introduced them.  Jet engines, wings, an axe and a REALLY big gun… just a few of the props that disappear on the way side.  Nimoy’s Sentinel Prime is a big problem, actually.  I love the fact that they got him, and I love the fact that they had a bit of fun with the idea of it being Nimoy.  BUT, since we’ve had multiple jokes to drive home the fact that STAR TREK exists in THIS universe as a TV show… (One of the Robots flips on the TV, sees Trek and comments “Oh, I’ve seen this, this is the one where Spock goes nuts” and multiple instances of Bumblebee communicating with Trek clips, “I have been, and always shall be, your friend…”) But then Sentinel is chastising Optimus and says, “You never understood that the needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few…”   REALLY?!?  You’ve crossed the line from homage to rip off now.

And then there’s the plot.  Or lack there of.  It’s a convoluted mess that involves a transmit teleport bridge that will bring an army of Decepticons to Earth… from the moon.  Where they’ve been hiding for the last millennium or so, waiting for the signal.  Apparently at NO point during that wait did it occur to them to just FLY to Earth and take over the planet before the technology existed to possibly defeat them.  And worse, Hugo Weaving (who is always good in EVERYTHING) as Megatron is given the line “the only way to revive him: we needed Prime and his matrix.”  …So, you planned to loose that fight in the first movie all along?  Seems like a lot of effort to have your ass kicked by Optimus Prime for two movies BEFORE you brought in the big guns, but what do I know?

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON is a flashy spectacle with a lot of eye candy.  It’s also a perfect, shining example of what’s wrong with Hollywood, and gets my vote for worst film of the year…

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON – D